Camping with Friends

My husband and I regularly go camping with several other couples. There is usually drinking going on throughout the day.

The wife of one of the other couples seems to pay a great deal of attention to my husband. Recently, we were sitting on the sand together, and "Colette" sat down in front of me and, ahem, lost her balance. She put her hand on my husband's thigh to steady herself and left it there for approximately an hour.

Colette hangs around him a lot and is clingy. When I mentioned her behavior to my husband, he said I was overreacting and that she was just drunk. He claims she is the touchy-feely sort with everyone. But I don't see her doing it with anyone else.

I think Colette is crossing the line, and it's causing some problems between my husband and me. Should I be concerned or just let it roll?

— Wondering Wife

Jamie Says: I think the most important question here (that you so negligently forgot to answer) is: Are you hotter than Colette? If the answer is yes, then there's no problem here. You're obviously very insecure and the only way to fix that is to make other women feel as insecure as you do. Wear revealing outfits when you're around her and make remarks like, "Oh, Colette, you have such wonderful sense of style. I wish we were the same size so we could trade clothes." or, "I wish I knew how to put on makeup like you, Colette, it makes you look so much younger than you are."

If the answer is no, then I'm sorry to tell you that you're just going to have to suck it up. Colette's obviously a hobag, but you can't let your husband know that her hobaggery is bothering you. Quit hounding him. You sound like a real bitch to be around, and if there's a more attractive option on the table, your personality really has make up for your lack of physical prowess. Your husband is most likely innocent enough at this point, but if you start complaining about Colette's drunken slut maneuvers (which he probably enjoys), he's just going to start thinking that you're an insecure nag with a pole up your butt (even if you are, it's very important that you pretend that you're not. Seriously, am I the only one who knows how to hide their flaws properly? Because it really feels like I am). While you're nag-nag-naggin, he'll start thinking about how Colette probably wouldn't nag him, Colette's not the jealous type, Colette probably would like it when he clips his toenails in bed. And then, Wifey, that's when the terrorists and hobags have won.

John says: I think the biggest problem here, is how you spend your time at these drunken frolics in the woods with friends. Instead of worrying about the whereabouts of Colette's hand, why don't you try drinking a few wine spritzers and slutting it up for your husband. He clearly likes the attention this other woman is giving him, so why don't you get off of your whiny high horse and out do her. The honeymoon may be over, but that doesn't mean your duties are finished. Give him a quickie behind a tree or something. Do literally anything other than keep tabs on Colette. If all else fails and she is hotter, more fun, more outgoing, less of a drag than you are, (Which, let's face it, is probably the case.) then it's up to you as the wife to take the initiative and invite Colette back to the tent, and the three of you can ride the Oregon Trail until the sun comes up. Everybody wins. Well, except Colette's husband, but fuck him, he didn't write the letter.

Jamie Says: I retract most of my answer. You're right. All that's really needed here is an "old fashioned" behind a tree.

Addicted to Love

The question has only come up because my sex drive is really really high but I have told my girl friend that I'm not ready for sex, she is also still really young so I'm not going to do that to her. She's 15 and I'm 20 soon. Its not ok yet, it would be if she was 20 and I 25 right? I love her so so much and I'm going to wait the next few years before losing my virginity with her. But because of my bad addiction to porn, I've been at it and I fear that my actions may tell her that the porn is better or something, which its not. Would it be cheating? I love her so much and she should know about my problem, I'm fighting it all the time (thank god for videos games) and I just don't want her to feel like she is anything less than she really is which she's stunningly beautiful and utterly amazing in my eyes. Please help, I'm at an inner war...

--Love Warrior

Jamie says: Don't be a schmuck. There's nothing wrong with looking at porn, especially if you're nineteen and you're not getting laid. If you think you're girlfriend wouldn't approve, don't tell her. It's not hurting anyone. You get some relief and spend less money on video games, your girlfriend gets less pressure put on her, and most of all you support the porn stars. They are the unsung heroes of the nation. When you look at porn, everyone wins. It's like giving a big high-five to America.


John says: I think Jamie is absolutely right here. There is nothing wrong with porn. Nothing. There is no need to tell her anything, as long as you keep that belt of chastity on, waiting for to mature into a woman. I would like to add that your relationship with this kid will end in tears long before she is old enough to bump uglies. 15 year olds don't know what they want or how to think about anything. And if I'm wrong, enjoy crankin' it for the next five years, and get a plastic slip cover for your keyboard. Trust me, they're worth it.

Hot Wheels

My 60-year-old husband is a reckless driver. He tailgates trucks on the interstate, looks around at the scenery, takes curves way too fast, always goes over the speed limit and often veers over the center line and onto the shoulder of the road because he isn't paying attention. He also messes with the cruise control, radio and air conditioning. Riding with him makes me nervous, but if I say anything, no matter how nicely, he gets angry and speeds up.

Not long ago, we were driving home at night on the highway. It was raining, and the temperature was close to freezing.

Everyone else on the road slowed down, and my husband went speeding past. I was so upset that I started to cry. It made no difference to him.

He ignores me when I say I'm afraid he might hit someone and kill them or us. Surprisingly, if he lets me drive, I always do so carefully because he develops carsickness. Other than this, he is a wonderful, thoughtful man, and it confuses me why he doesn't respect my feelings and isn't concerned with my safety. What can I do?

— Nervous in Virginia

John says: First off, I'm going to assume the dishes are done or you wouldn't have the time to send in this ridiculous question. Right? Ok, now the first thing you should do is stop being such a wet blanket. When you're blathering on about how icy the road is and how you're afraid for your life, all he hears is "nag nag nag". If I were as old as you two, I would want to get where I'm going quickly. I wouldn't want to waste the last few desperate years of my life in a fucking car, much less have some clingy woman clucking in my ear about how I should be driving. I doubt he tells you how to make dinner or wash the windows. I suggest you get drunk early and enjoy making him some pie while he's out ram-rodding around. You'll both be happier.

Jamie says: He's an asshole and a pussy (carsickness?). He obviously makes a lot of money, or you wouldn't have married him. I applaud this, but really you need to stop whining. You knew what you were getting into, now shut up and take the abuse until he passes away. Then take what's left of his money and move to Florida with your special girlfriend, driving 35 all the way there. It will all work out. Patience is a virtue.

He's a Rebel from the Wrong Side of the Tracks

My stepson is 11. I have been in his life for 7 years. He has begun to steal money from us, not a lot but I am concerned. We have spoken to him about it.

He is a loner, who enjoys television and computer games. No friends at home but mixes well at school. He has been a good child until recently.

He has a 6 year old sister who he "hates." He fights or hits her constantly. He is enormously jealous of her natural abilities and cheerful, attention-getting extroverted personality. I fear his stealing is a cry for attention. What should we do?

--Suspicious Stepmom

Jamie says: Your stepson is at an age where his psyche is rapidly maturing. He's growing up and you need to recognize that his needs are growing with him. You say he enjoys "computer games." Is that all he has? Does he have a PS3? Wii? XBox? Your stepson is crying out for a proper gaming system. Get him one, and he'll stop torturing his sister. He'll have better things to do. I promise.

P.S. Your daughter probably has no "natural abilities" at six, unless you mean picking her nose and deftly hiding the booger under the couch. Stop being such a ridiculous doting mother and buy your 11-year-old more stuff.

John says: You are not his real mom, and you can't tell him what to do. You can't possibly understand the pain he is going through. You just don't know what it's like to be a teenager and you clearly don't care. i hate it here! AS SOON AS I'M 18 I'M MOVING OUT! I HATE YOU AND I HATE DAD FOR MARRYING YOU. JUST......JUST......UHHHHGGG.....JUST GO TO HELL AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

When the Biscuits Run Out

It's been snowy here for two days - a rarity in the UK. Although I was able to walk into town yesterday and do some shopping, my thoughts are turning to cannibalism. Is it ok to kill and eat my family?

--Famished

Jamie says: Since you're living in a third world country* it should not be taboo to eat your family. In a country of savages, who will point the finger at you?

*The UK may not actually be a third world country. I have not done the research yet. However, I imagine it to be wrought with people squatting in ditches throwing feces at each other. Like in Mexico. Or China.

John says: Eating your family is the only option here. Not only will you spare yourself the nuisance of walking through streets covered in snow and feces, but you will also free up the TV (the tellie) to watch as much Graham Norton as your tiny British heart desires. Just be prepared, the human body is full of choice cuts and you'll need a lot of freezer space. Lucky for you, you probably have absurdly large yellow incisors that were made for cutting through thick pieces of flesh. God save the queen!

Hypothetical You

Joe, who reports to Jill, has worked in the marketing department for several months and has always appeared to have a good working relationship with Jill. Joe comes to you (Jill's supervisor) today, however, to complain about the fact that over the last month of two each time he and Jill meet to discuss the department, she touches and rubs Joe on the upper arms and back. Joe has been uncomfortable with Jill touching him in this way for the past two months, however, he has not come to you until today with his complaint. Joe also tells that the reason he is coming to you now with his complaint is that Jill asked Joe to meet him after work at a local bar to discuss "business" and winked at him when she said business.

How should you address this problem?

--Hypothepussy

Jamie says: I'd fire Jill. What's she doing coming on to Joe when I'm around, anyway? I'm her supervisor, I'm in the position of power. A real go-getter would be hitting on me, trying to earn that promotion. I don't think Jill has a future at the company. She's out.

John says: The real question is, why Joe is such a pussy? Everybody in the office has had a go at Jill, it's her thing. Now, this goody two-shoe nancy-boy decides he's "uncomfortable". The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is knowing there is a limp wrist-ed sissy prancing around my office. I'd fire Joe and nail Jill in the supply closet.

Jamie says: Who said Jill was hot, John? You guys just picture what you want to picture. Lah lah lah lah lah!

But Who Will Govern the Governors?

Some people say Government should be an authoritative autocratic entity that decides and enforces policy that benefits the society which it governs, others say it should be a representative regulatory arbitrating agency that delineates the boundaries of the individual freedoms of the parties it governs.

What should I think?

--Thinks-He's-So-Smart

Jamie says: First of all, you need to stop sounding like a douche. After you've fixed that problem, you'll see that the answer becomes obvious:

It doesn't matter what you think. You don't have any control over what kind of government you live under, so why waste your time worrying about what it should be doing? Why not think about what you're going to buy with your next paycheck, instead? That ought to boost your sense of self-worth enough to get you through the day. Mmm... self-defining products that I buy for myself... I'm getting tingly just thinking about it.


John says: It's not surprising that Jamie thinks you have no control over the kind of government you live under. She's a woman. The fact is, you DO have control and it is your right as a man (preferably white) to take control and make your voice heard. Take your next paycheck and buy a marker, some cardboard, and a stick and make a sign to march with! My point is, the government should represent you, even if you do sound like a douche.

Jamie says: It's true. He shouldn't listen to me. I was totally PMS-ing when I responded.